Crème de la Crème Pomme Frites

“Made from Chipperbec potatoes blanched in Dom Perignon Champagne and J. LeBlanc French Champagne Ardenne vinegar, then fried in pure goose fat from France before being topped with Crete Senesi Pecorino Tartufello and black summer truffles from Italy, the Crème de la Crème Pomme Frites are $200 — and own the title of being the world’s most expensive French fries” – This is the description given by InsideHook’s shiny Food and Drink section for a dish that most “good” parents will try to steer clear of for their kids.

If my child tells me, “Mom but I love French fries the most! I can eat them all day everyday for the rest of my life and will never ever get bored”, I will obviously not support that choice because I know the consequences of having that diet can be detrimental. It is “obvious” only because of the common sense and wisdom from education, reading, health histories, all-in-all because of the data that I have gathered from experience living over the years on this earth, that I can now subconsciously process to conclude “No dear, how about you eat these vegetables and pasta first, along with the side of these fries”. While I deny French fries as being the main course, I also know that I am not going to end up with a happy child if I eliminate French fries from her diet altogether.

What I did there was run a mental exploratory analysis of what’s best for my child, knowing what options are present, what my child sees (to the best of their knowledge), what I know is best (to the best of my knowledge) and how we can find a happy ending without compromising a great deal.

This is exactly what I’ve been trying to do when we discuss career paths for all my children. It’s a misconception that all south Asian parents only want their children to become doctors or engineers. World-class education and worldwide experience gives south Asian parents the knowledge and means to find the best fit for their children’s’ passion. Fortunately, most of the south Asian families that I know in the United States, have supported, and encouraged their kids to seek out career paths that follow their passion. The child brings their area of interest and the parents bring the maps and tools with their life experiences and guidance, and together the family builds this path to success.

There is a difference between just supporting your kids to follow their passion, and, exploring the paths with them and being with them on their journey, until both of you have found the most optimum one. The latter is called parenting. Simply showing-up or being-there is the minimum expectation from parenthood. Beyond that being your child's guide, friend, agent and advocate is what's critical to their overall upbringing. Being hands-off or having a my way or the highway attitude, are both harmful methods of parenting. It will take hard work and several iterations to find the right fit, but where there is will, patience, love and smarts :), there’s surely a way. 

We all know that we cannot keep working unless we find joy from our work. My best friend very wisely reminds me often that every person’s definition of joy and happiness is their own. It could be money, relationships, titles, feeling of accomplishment or all of the above. It is like a fingerprint, unique to the person. However, we can all agree that a 24x7x365 painter can only derive joy from painting until it supports his basic necessities of life. A painter whose parents supported him to rely solely on the sale of his paintings to feed himself, are pretty much setting up their kid for failure (in general terms). A quick search of the US Bureau of Labor statistics would have resulted in educating them that the simple art and design occupations growth projections are way slower than the average of other occupations. However, if that artist had a bachelor’s degree in graphics, special effects, animation or digital arts, their odds at guaranteeing sustenance are much better. Further exploration would result in the discovery of various 2D and 3D art platforms at Disney or Universal or any larger studios where the artist can have a fulfilling outlet for their original art, all while still holding canvas or watercolor exhibitions and sales all year round. Keeping up with the job (R)evolution should be part of our dinner-table conversation.

The flipside to this could be that in spite of all the data and information, a child does not want to pursue the path based on the family’s collective research for whatever reason. None of my children fall into that category right now, but if they did, my POA in that case would be to agree as a family that the decision is to wing-it based on instinct, but at least have a Plan B well chalked out if winging it does not fly. Most south Asian families have a healthy family dynamic and will agree that the painters' gotta eat too!

Both the above would still be the well-researched ways, not necessarily the easy ways, to pave to enable the child to become the best version of themselves.

None of this is possible unless both parties, my child and I are ready to put in the hard work. My husband explained it to one of my daughters very nicely. “Sailee, tell me what would you like to see yourself doing when you grow up? We can then find out the average lifestyle that occupation can provide and paint a virtual picture of what quality of life you can expect. We can then work our way down from that path to see what we should be doing right now to eventually get there.” My advice was, “If you cannot “see” what you would be doing in the future, just try to figure out what you like very much right now and we can then do research and draw several possible paths all leading different ways to different lifestyles starting from that seed, and then that will probably help you visualize where you would like to end up.” Its basically the option to perform either Top-down, or bottom-Up exploratory analysis. This has been an eye-opening exercise for our family, and we all have learned a lot in the process. Not only is this process most inclusive of the child’s interests, but it has led to discoveries of occupations that we would have never known about, had we have not gone looking for it. It has also helped the children in setting their priorities in life straight. At no point did we discourage our kids from picking an occupation because it paid less than another one. A more humble choice of lifestyle is perfectly ok as long as you knowingly chose it. We simply made sure we all had the facts so we could make an informed decision. This is us not pushing our children into stereotype south Asian occupations, but in fact guiding our children to make informed decisions based on well-researched facts. Every parent wants to give the best to their children. I will say that this analytical skill to take life’s important decisions using a holistic approach backed by data and foresight, is the best gift you can give them.

A dream does not become a reality, until it is pursued with eyes wide open, so let’s not teach them to dream blindly. Let’s equip them with skills to realize their dreams and then encourage them to dream new dreams. Its wouldn’t be healthy, financially, or physically, to have Crème de la Crème Pomme Frites everyday however attractive it may look. So let’s recognize them for what they are and enjoy them once-in-a-while, while a continuous serving of vegetables, protein and carbs nourishes our long, healthy and fulfilling life.

Poem for Aarnav on his 10th Birthday

Aarnav

Your name means ocean,
you mean the world to me...
My love for you is deeper
Than the deepest abyss at sea.

You're funny, smart and equally silly
And most times the life of the party
You're always game for fun,
and a supersized meal that is hearty!!

I know sometimes I seem harsh and demanding,
and even hard-to-please or unfair...
But that's because You are my first born,
and its only because I care.

You're turning 10, big number, Oh my!
you're growing up so fast,
where's my little boy!!

It feels like just yesterday
just the two of us in our yellow house
You chewing on everything within your reach,
and me singing countless lullaby's.

You are my best-est boy,
my friend, my joy and my pride...
you will always be a winner in my eyes,
be it Holocom or Got Fries!

The next years will quickly fly,
bringing with them big changes.
You will face decisions big and small
Some may seem upon which your life hinges.

I want you to know, I'll always be there
to help you and guide you in any way
I'll be your rock and you can trust me...
Because you've got a friend in me.

Embrace your life with open arms,
Live it the best you can.
Do to others what you would have them do to you,
Being true to yourself, will make you a better man.

As I rest my pen, and get ready
to email this poem to you
I see you coming back from school,
and rush to the door to hug you.

Sailee and Saloni at age 8 - 2nd Grade Spicewood Elementary, Austin TX.

SAILEE

Sailee is great at making lists. Whether its playdates, groceries, vacations, packing , anything...Once she knows about it, out comes her notepad and pencil and she gets busy with making a list and planning for it. She is good at breaking down a problem into smaller chunks and then re-iterating over those chunks until it makes sense (atleast to her :)) There are many such examples - but the most recent ones are from UIL story telling practice sessions. After the UIL story is told to them, they are given a sheet of paper and 10 mins to write down something that will help them retell the story. The first things Sailee wrote were the name of the story and character names, since those are the most important and very easily forgotten while telling the story. Writing those down made those get imprinted in her memory and then she proceeded to use the remaining time to write the story events. Another example is from Destination Imagination. When they were given the task of coming up with 2 different world cultures for the team, She made a list first about what kind of differences she would think about - such as clothing and food. Then she listed out countries that she thought has interesting clothing and food. Then listing out by each country what clothing and food she knew about it or found by asking Siri (iPAD). I like to see her mind working like that to break a topic into smaller chunks and addressing the chunks, rather than attacking it as a whole.

Sailee loves stage performances. She is animated and has excellent memory about the things she reads. She can retell a story or conversation she heard or read with great detail. She can also make stories and songs on the fly. She and her sister Saloni have a video collection of many of their songs and performances that they put up every night. They frequently run out of memory on their tablets simply because of the sheer volume of such "shows".

Sailee is friendly, kind and understanding. Being the older twin, she typically is the one to compromise in sticky situations and let her twin sister Saloni get the better hand. She is mature and can be reasoned with. Even though she is a twin, she often feels like the middle child (being the older twin) and that leads to confusion in her mind about her placement and decisions that she has to make. But she is amazing at resolving such situations by finding an agreeable middle ground.

Sailee is a very expressive girl. If she is put in a group that calls for a leader, she does not shy away from such an opportunity. She's always full of ideas and very inquisitive, always asking for explanations for things/places/words that she hears/reads for the first time. She's not shy and loves stage performances of any kind. She's friendly and approachable to both peers and children younger than her. She's afraid of "monsters", but can become the brave one if her twin Saloni is afraid too.

SALONI

Saloni has very good creative thinking. It can sometimes be very abstract and hard to understand, but its perfectly clear to her. She is very descriptive. One example from UIL story telling practice session - After the UIL story is told to them, they are given a sheet of paper and 10 mins to write down something that will help them retell the story. Saloni can write most of story (which was read to them for 20 mins) in that 10 min time on her paper. Sometimes she runs out of paper. Its amazing that at her age she can focus for that long on writing what she heard without stopping. The UIL guide has to ask her to stop writing after the 10 mins, when most kids her age or older have finished already or did not know what to write. She likes to finish a task that she started (and likes). She is always on top of any homework from school and is paranoid about missing something. That even include artwork. Once she spent 2 hours on filling up an entire 8X11 sheet of paper with tie-die design and did not want to stop until she had filled up the whole page. She practices drawing Anime girl sketches from her friend, until she get its the way she wants it to look. She inspires her twin Sailee to draw. She has volunteered to make costumes and props for their Destination Imagination team and is already running various ideas for it by the team leader and the team members.

Saloni loves stage performances as much as her twin Sailee. She is the content contributor to their home productions, with costumes, drawings, cards and songs. Sailee directs, they both write, Saloni provides props and they both perform. They form a very good team. Saloni has a good memory and creativity to use bits about what they read or learned in their productions. She has a rock collection, bead collection, "fairy items" collection, and just shiny interesting stuff collection.

Saloni is very social. She is always planning playdates every chance she gets. She loves to host her friends at our house and is ready with her friends' parents phone numbers and permissions, even before I get a chance to ask them myself. She can be the boss of everyone or everyone's baby. She may have a hard time controlling her emotions at times, that leads to out bursts - but they can be fixed with a long hug and lots of loving words. She loves to give hand drawn cards to friends.

Saloni always brings a smile to peoples faces. She is friendly, emotional and considerate. She loves to hug. She is clear most of the times about what she wants or feels, and I rarely get a "I don't know" from her. She is creative and is always drawing something when she is not making "shows" with her twin Sailee. She doesn't hide her feelings and it's not hard to guess whats going on with her just by looking at her. She feels safe with her twin Sailee. She loves purple, sparkles, princesses.

Poem for Aarnav on the occasion of his Munj - PROMISE

I hear footsteps coming down the stairs,
And most times I can tell whose sound they bear.
It’s the start to my everyday, asking the routine questions -
Did you brush your teeth? What do you want for breakfast?
It’s the promise that our family morning is in session.

As the day lingers on, with work and responsibilities,
I get calendar updates of your daily activities.
I wonder how you manage so much, and usually very well!
Your promise to remain committed makes me marvel.

At your tender age of 11,
you can be goofy, cute and annoying
But when you've had enough, out comes your famous saying –
It’s burnt in my memory and I promise to never forget it -
“My life sucks, with kid privileges and adult responsibilities.”

As the day calms down with the promise,
of seeing you walk back home from school,
It brings wonder to find out once again,
everything that happened, however minuscule.
“How was your day Sweety?” as usual I ask,
“Hi Mamma!... Good” is your quick response, as you move on to your tasks.

My day is filled with promises,
seemingly routine and mundane,
That’s what keeps it normal and simple,
for which you are to blame.

So promise me that - as you step into your youth,
you will always tell yourself nothing but the truth.
You’ll be nice to people and appreciate simple pleasures,
Because in the end you’ll realize that’s the only thing that matters.

Promise to stay enthusiastic or silly when need be,
And accept life’s challenges as part of its journey.
And in turn I promise that I’ll always be there for you,
When you need me - to help your feelings,
however boring or blue.

--Love, Mom

Happy Home Anniversary in Austin!

This is the place that we love the best,
Our little brick house like a ground-birds nest.

The Pecan in the front shields and shades
As much as in Fall its fruit it sheds.

The large airy Family Room, is cozy enough for us five
But when with friends and family, there's enough room to Jive.

The Kitchen is the heart of the house and definitely an ol' soul,
Always obliging and serving its goal.

The Master is where the action happens, new stories are begun,
But just like any successful relationship, there's lot of work done! 

The Kids Bedrooms are cute, just like each of them,
Their own personality and designs, shines through the mayhem.

The Backyards' our retreat, with trees, pool and hot tub,
The kids never tire of it, but maybe the neighbors do, from our ruckus! :) 

So in my quiet office, in this house that I love the best,
I wish us good wishes and memories, and many more years well spent.

Shuttle

It has been 8 months since we moved to Austin with the clan. One of the reasons we moved from beautiful Fort Collins, CO was because we craved diversity, and the street smarts and common sense that comes with it. One of the biggest advantages of growing up in cosmopolitan Mumbai is that my tolerance, bias and compassion are not based on race, caste, religion, color or gender. I wanted my children to grow up in such an atmosphere as well.

Since we arrived in Austin we have met people from all over the world and it has been wonderful. I met non-American citizens living in Austin (of course!), American citizens who grew up outside of the USA, mixed race families and children, families practicing dual religions and non-Indians running Hindu temples. With diversity also comes competitiveness and leadership traits like public speaking, instincts about people and openness because you get trained to talk to people with different backgrounds in a way they can relate to. I have found more Indians running their own businesses than I could have imagined. This makes me proud and happy to be here.

My Honda Odyssey had 4 recalls on it over the years that I needed to get fixed (lazy much?) so I took it to First Texas Honda. They needed to keep the car for 24 hours and so I opted for the shuttle service to drop me back home and pick me up the next day when the recalls were fixed. I did not know that these two shuttle trips would be a valuable addition to my diversity encounters. On the first shuttle trip from the Honda dealer to home, there were 5 of us including the driver in the car. One of the passengers, a lady, said she would have preferred a bicycle to ride back to her house instead of the shuttle as that would have counted as her workout for the day. I am always amazed by people like this who want to make everything that they do count towards something. This is a quality I need to get. She was the first one to be dropped off since she lived the closest to the dealership. After that the rest of us in the van started to talk about what we did for a living and I learnt that the Chinese senior citizen had recently opened his own company to make car engines, after retirement. They were only 6 employees big and were always hiring. This got the other gentleman in the car talking. He was a double engineer, mechanical and electrical, and worked for a small company which was recently bought by Intel. He dreaded the 35 min commute to the Intel office that would begin soon. He was unsure how he would adjust to working for a multinational company after having worked for a small company for 20 years. That got me talking about Anant being in Intel for 15 years, and our experience with the company. We talked about creative independence, hierarchy issues, unrealistically long or short project plans and, pay and benefits packages. It was great getting an insight on familiar issues from someone at a different stage in life. He got off from the van with an intention of applying to the Chinese man’s engine company. All this while, our driver was very silent and un-contributing to the conversation. All the people in the car were dropped off, and just the driver and I were now left in the car. Since my destination was still 5 miles away and the driver did not know his way around the area, I started talking to him (yeah right, like I would not have talked to him anyway!). Turns out our driver was a prince turned pauper. He was at a senior level at AT&T and left there to start his own company. This new company faced litigation and he ended up losing all his life savings in settling. There was a point, when he had a ranch in San Diego with horses. He was also a collector of watches. He had to sell everything eventually and move out. He came to Austin about 6 months ago and is looking for work, which is hard to come by because he is over qualified for the places he applies to. He drives the shuttle for now but would love to get back into business operations where he belongs. I have a hard time believing that there can be only two options for someone, either heaven or hell, with nothing in between. I told him not to lose hope and keep trying and good things will happen. When I told him that he will get a chance to restart his watch collection, he said that he did not care about those things anymore. He has been there and done that. Now he only cares about doing what he loves with his family standing by him. It was incredible that when the rest of us in the van were talking about being able to save a million by retirement, there he was silently driving having lost 4 million in a matter of days. He had probably enjoyed more comforts than any one of us in the van and definitely more loss. He said, ‘A bank account has no humility’. He dropped me home and said goodbye with hope of finding himself again.

The next day a different shuttle came to pick me up from home. This time I was the only passenger going to the dealership. The driver greeted me and started towards the highway. After a couple of minutes he asked me if I was Indian and if I was born in India. When I answered yes, he started to talk in Hindi and asked if I would like to hear Hindi songs. It was a beautiful 80’s classics collection. He told me that he was from Afghanistan and had moved to Austin just 6 months ago from there. He used to be a translator in the US Army in Afghanistan. He received his green card in 6 days (yes that’s right) after application. He grew up watching Hindi movies and that’s how he learned Hindi (shocker!). He also spoke Farsi, Pashto, Urdu and a little Arabic. He sounded exactly like the Afghani actors from Kabul Express when he spoke Hindi – adorable. We spoke about Hindi movies and places to watch them in Austin, while ‘Do lafzon ki hai, dil ki kahani’ played in the background. He told me all about his family and 2 little kids that he left back in Afghanistan while he got himself settled in USA. He said he was self-conscious about his English and needed to improve it in order to get a good job. He longed to bring his family here so they could be together. Such pure and simple wants, a longing for a regular life. I thanked him for playing such wonderful songs in the van and that it was great to speak in Hindi with him, before I exited the van at the dealership. When I picked up my car, I made it a point to mention to the dealership serviceman, what a good job both the shuttle drivers were doing.

The last two days gave me not only an experience of cultural diversity, but also economic and social diversity.
Diverse people (Chatty Cathy’s) + on a shuttle + 20 minutes = Great Time!

To Dear Manu

Feb 14, 2014

Happy Birthday!

Dear Aarnav,

Wish you a very Happy Birthday my baby. I cannot believe you are already 8 and almost 5 feet tall! The years are surely flying by. You are my favorite boy in the whole world and I wanted to tell you that today. You are kind, obedient and dedicated. You are also sensitive and caring towards Sai and Salo.

I wish that you enjoy your day to the fullest by playing with your friends and having a fun Valentine ’s Day party in school. I hope you liked that gifts that Baba and I got you. I bet you are excited for your birthday party tomorrow at Miramont as well. I hope you like the football stadium cake I made for you.

Always be honest to yourself. It does not matter what your friends or others say or think about you. What is important is that you give your best shot to everything that you want to do. Give all of your energy, time and thought to the things at hand and you will always be a winner. I wish you best of luck to win a trophy this year as that has been your dream for some time now. I am sure if you work your hardest Ram Bappa will make sure that you get a trophy.

Whether you get a trophy or win in something or not, Baba and I will always love you no matter what.

Lots of Hugs and Big Kisses to you.

Love

Aai.